I Think Therefore I Am.

location: bedroom

mood: contemplative

music: Every Minute - Sara Groves

What they didn't know was that we were friends.  What they didn't know was that behind the scenes you taught me how to love myself more.  What they didn't know was that you helped me trust myself during the times nobody was around.  What they didn't know was that we struggled with boundaries of religion and culture for the sake of experiencing a true connection with another soul.  What they didn't know was we talked about God.  What they didn't know was that we prayed together.  What they didn't know was that you prayed I find someone who will take care of me when you leave.  What they didn't know was that you let me go because you knew you couldn't be the one, even when you wanted to. 

What they don't know is that every once in a while you come into my dreams and amidst all the doubts and the uncertainty that happens in my life, you say in the most soothing and assuring voice, "Do no worry Mussu."

Sometimes life is funny because situations happen and it looks bad and ugly.  Tearing apart a lot of lives.  Unknown to others how it really happened between us. 

Here's to the moments that went unexplained.  Here's to the moments I couldn't celebrate who you were in my life because of the scarred and dirty mark stamped upon that time.

 

mood: peaceful

Our DSL modem got busted and when they repaired it they didn't know how to put it back on the WiFi router.  So I'm not in my usual element where I can introspect on things while looking out my window.  Certain inconveniences like that force me to be a little bit "more" than I usually am.  It's better than wallowing in irritation.

I was eagerly anticipating the weekend and of course this holiday.  Last week, although it ended with the pleasantries of my first summer rain, was an extremely heavy mental workout for me.  Too much corporate!  Haha.  But I survived.  Balancing expectations from different sides of my life and still keeping my sanity.

I got a new phone.  It's the Dopod 838 Pro.  I'm not so particular about specifications but I like how it feels on my hand especially how it glides up and reveals the qwerty keyboard beneath. Sending text messages and receiving mobile emails suddenly make me feel like Jack Bauer.  It makes me feel that all this mobile messaging is significant.  I don't know why I don't feel it with my old phone. But, yes, now I feel it.

My dad and I had quite a good conversation over wine last Saturday night.  It was one of those times when parent actually hits it off with child and sees them for the person they are becoming.  Unlike before, where I completely felt any conversation with my parents was like an intrusion and a hindrance to my identity, now it feels like an empowering experience where I begin to be more in touch with my roots.  Not to wish I had roots somewhere else but to appreciate that which makes me...me.  I relished in my dad's stories of corporate wisdom which he gained from more than 30 years of corporate life. 

I'm trying to live the Virtues.  Have I gone moral on the world?  Have I gone moral on myself?  It's still a surprise to me as I recall the many dark nights I spent torturing my soul many years ago.  It's funny but trying to live a life of faith has probably been one of the best decisions I've ever made.  It feels like I went to a gym.  Not so much the whole condescending nature of having rules put all around you like a picket fence.  No.  It's not that.  It's...yeah...like I went to the gym.

I took the long route to Tagaytay to supposedly let my spirit take a break but I ended up in Starbucks, Sta. Rosa.  Balancing ministry and corporate life is one of the biggest challenges I'm undertaking.  It's NOT EASY.  I don't know why Jenny (my cousin who is a nun) told me I can do both.  I've never really been able to say, my plate is full, up until now.  Where all aspects of myself is being worked out completely (I guess I'm going to the gym because I'm having a spiritual triathlon) So, why did I end up going the long route?  There was this truck blocking the road going up to Tagaytay via Sta. Rosa.  Sitting there for 30 minutes, I decided to take another route and ended up in Batino Batangas where I drove through narrow dirt roads in the outskirts of the provincial city.  I've never ventured driving out into the outskirts before.  But it reminded me again that there are other lives walking under the same sky and the view from their side of the fence can actually be just as good as the view from mine.  Anyway, in short, I got lost.  So I decided to go back.

People change, accept and grow.  I've been witnessing a lot of growth around me lately.  My family: Mom, Dad (well my sister's working on it. Hehe.) My friends from church (...that I have been in close touch with lately): Meggie, Gian, Jules, Bea, Sab, Jocel, Jarro.  My friends who are not from church (...that I have been in close touch with lately...haha): Toni, Marco, Carlo, Javy, Tita Celine, Gerry (my boss. haha).  It's an overwhelming surge of inspiration that makes me feel that the virtue of hope is now completely worth having.  It's not as scary as it used to, to just "hang in there".  It's now knowing that God is bigger than me and seeing Him change lives whether tangibly or intangibly moves me to be more willing to let the change happen for me as well.

Having a life and smelling the flowers.  St. Therese, one of the strongest and influential saints in this century has moved a lot of lives with her "little way". But before that she grew up to be extremely temperamental and moody (sounds like somebody I know. :P) I've been reflecting on her life lately (no, I'm hoping God doesn't call me to become a nun because I want a family. then again, you never know. hehe.) because I am intrigued by how her "little way" moved so many without her lifting a finger and has filled her life with so much peace.  I'm there right now, pursuing little ways in pursuit of peace.

mood: contemplative

Yesterday afternoon, I spent more than 3 hours discussing a 20 page contract with our lawyers and real estate lawyers.  Its completely nothing I expected to find myself in after graduate school.  But as I saw how thoughts tossing around in the four corners of the boardroom, I'm reminded of how I sat in the AIM caseroom thinking about how leaders are born and bred. 

I was infront of leaders.  Witnessing their minds come alive.  Spurn creative ideas and kill mediocre ones.  At the end of those 3 hours I was exhausted but quite revved up for the next round of action to take place. 

My boss and I ended up in Gloria Jeans.  Talking about the challenges to come.  I've had several conversations with boss and none of them are always about work.  Not as what I expected.  He doesn't ask me about numbers.  He doesn't ask me about reports.  He asks me about people.  How to move them beyond job descriptions and 8 hour work days.  How to ignite them to a passion that not just fills their pockets but fills their lives. 

People at work (and sometimes I'm guilty of this myself) are sometimes imprisoned by the deadlines, the pressures, the deliverables and the success they want to achieve through what they do.  And its a pervading feeling of heat that racks your nerves or makes you turn cold.  But as I sat in the 2 hour traffic from Eastwood Libis to Filinvest Alabang, I thought about where I was and why I was where I was.

I'm not cut out for this. Period.  My right brain hobbles just behind my left brain which has been fluctuating in produce eversince I was born.  But in the middle of accomplishments and contracts won and milestones met, I am happy because I can't say that I did it all by myself.  I am happy because, I know I am not cut out for it, and even if I wasn't, God saw some worth in my frailties and let me witness an  unfolding of mission that is all about something great.  Not man-made.  And I hear several armies that have been raised up all over the world, through time, through history...armies in stories...in movies...be it fairytale, folklore or reality television. 

There is always that constant fight for freedom.  To Be.  And yes, the corporate world can be  a daunting enemy...but for myself...I found God in the shadows of income statements and sales pitches.  And because of that..."simply being" is not as hard as I thought it would be.

mood: happy

i had a lot of laughs today. 
thanks g.  i forgot what it
felt like to just laugh with you.

skipping work like skipping school
to enjoy sumptious food in
empty restaurants dreaming
about the world we want to live in.

you know me too well and i
think you're one of the few
who i can say really even cared
to go the extra mile with me

and those who claim to have
been around...maybe they have
but not as much as you.

and right now it doesn't matter
if number 21 does come or not
i'd spend full moons sitting
out on the pavement with
you till laughter dies down
or turn into sobs and till
crazy takes our breaths away.

i love how you know me.

mood: peaceful

tonight i feel small
like a little girl
with soft hands
touching the face of
a dream
that keeps the
night sky
warm and the
stars singing.

the more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey
the more rest we will know along the way.

sorrowful yet always rejoicing.
poor yet making many rich.
having nothing and yet
possessing everything.
2corinthians6:10...

how true is this
if we remain open to sorrow
we can know joy

somehow being empty allows us to make others rich.
and if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something
most surprising...that all is ours.

contentment is not freedom from desire,
but freedom of desire.
being content is not pretending
that everything is the way you wish it to be
it is not acting as though you have no wishes
rather, it is no longer ruled by your desires.

to be alive and thirsty
to be dead, or
to be addicted.
those are the only journeys.

we are called to live a life
of holy longing.

but we do not like to stay there. 
we seek to possess...
so that we do not have
to live in thirst
trusting each day
to the goodness of God.

to live in thirst is live with an ache.

- john eldredge, journey of desire.