I Think Therefore I Am.

Surmising the Empty Streets of Makati

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 00:20:47 GMT

I walked down to Starbucks to get myself a tall cup of Caramel Macchiatto this early Sunday morning. Valero Street was empty and VA Rufino stop light intersection didn't have its usual traffic jam. It's 8:00am on a Sunday morning in Makati and yes, I am in the office.

I thought I'll extremely hate being at work on a Sunday especially since I have a half a day's worth of strategizing to think about. Not to mention that I feel I totally missed out on last night's Youth and Single's Joint prayer meeting. But I am tired of struggling with things that are supposed to happen but didn't happen this week. Tired of grappling with what should be and shouldn't be. A week's worth of migraine is enough to tell me to take this Sunday by the hand and appreciate it for what it is.

A raindrop fell on my nose when I got out of Starbucks. There were two lovers walking hand in hand the empty sidewalk. From the way they were dressed I surmised they just ended their call center shift on the 51st floor. I breathed in the morning with all it's potential smog and mostly quiet. This was as good as it can get. It wasn't San Francisco. But I felt some kind of peace overwhelm me as if I were inhaling the bay's breeze.

Today I learned how to openly receive something that I vehemently resisted because I felt it took away a lot of precious time. I had wanted to spend a creative weekend to myself just catching up on my stack of novels and writing to release the clutter in my head. I have been on writer's block virus for several days now. But here I am, one hour away to enter the boardroom and put on my MBA hat...reveling in the peace and quiet of the bullpen, the view up on 39th floor, the drops of rain on my window and my tall cup of caramel macchiatto.

Spiritually Secular.

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 00:15:39 GMT

I went home because there was no place to belong. No space to let my thoughts be comprehended. I've let the Youth be my circle of friends. Believing that they will eventually ride to my pace. It brings me to the same question I had back in December when I had joined SE.

Where do I belong? Who can I belong to? Where can I plant my feet?

If it is you God. Let me not be wandering about and just plant me first so I can grow and bear real fruit. But you God exist in this world through people. And I can't imagine myself planting my feet on air. Maybe I'm not gifted like that, like how the religious have become. Maybe I really am meant to be spiritually secular. Whatever that means.

So come for me and show me where I can find you fully alive through somebody else in this life.

Can You Sit With Me?

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 23:37:45 GMT

How often do we sit next to a person only to realize that we aren't truly sitting with them? Can we sit with another and be comfortable with ourselves at the same time? Can we sit with another's joy while we are silently waiting for our own? Can we sit with another's pain while ours throbs like the heaviness of nimbus clouds before it rains?

I realized that I can't truly sit with another. But I would like to because it's lonely sitting alone. So can you sit with me?

What They Knew...

Thu, 24 May 2007 05:37:26 GMT

What they knew was I hid behind the shadows to experience something forbidden. What they knew was the pain this brought and the relationship it severed. What they knew was the guilt I carried and the shame that scarred my face.

What they didn't know was that we were friends. What they didn't know was that behind the scenes you taught me how to love myself more. What they didn't know was that you helped me trust myself during the times nobody was around. What they didn't know was that we struggled with boundaries of religion and culture for the sake of experiencing a true connection with another soul. What they didn't know was we talked about God. What they didn't know was that we prayed together. What they didn't know was that you prayed I find someone who will take care of me when you leave. What they didn't know was that you let me go because you knew you couldn't be the one, even when you wanted to.

What they don't know is that every once in a while you come into my dreams and amidst all the doubts and the uncertainty that happens in my life, you say in the most soothing and assuring voice, "Do no worry Mussu."

Sometimes life is funny because situations happen and it looks bad and ugly. Tearing apart a lot of lives. Unknown to others how it really happened between us.

Here's to the moments that went unexplained. Here's to the moments I couldn't celebrate who you were in my life because of the scarred and dirty mark stamped upon that time.

Awesh Shrestha
AIM MBA 2005
(April 10, 1977 - May 24, 2006)

City Inspired Epiphanies on Mother's Day

Sun, 13 May 2007 13:06:56 GMT

Mother's Day was spent in the city. I was never a city person unless the city had really nice scenic spots, I'd rather not spend a nice Sunday in the city. Of course I always associated living here in the city with work. So, it's a toxic area for me if I wanted to relax and let my mind breathe a little. But my mom was in an unusually gay mood and was coaxing me and my sister to go shopping with her at Greenhills. If this were book shopping, I wouldn't mind. But this was shopping through stalls and a sea of human bodies in the heat of a Philippine summer. But then again, it was mother's day, so I let down my usual finicky attitude about the discomforts of driving all the way to the north and decided to just enjoy. I went about teasing my sister on how I will shop for this and that. It always gives me a trip to see her pout and whine about how she can't afford it and cut me off so she doesn't crave for anything more. My mom on the other hand was more excited about buying her beads so she can make more bead jewelries and add them to the recent charm necklace I had made for her in Joyce Orena's shop. We left Greenhills after an hour and a half with me having bought 3 pieces of clothing and my sister...well...she ended up with none.

My mom wanted to pass by Greenbelt 3 and go to Joyce Orena's shop. My fascination for charms have rubbed off on both my sister and my mother recently that they decided to get new charm necklaces each. I, in my fascination for the whole process of choosing and designing my own charm necklace, bought one more. Which now means I have 3. Each having different meanings at the time I had them made. On our drive to and from the city, I couldn't help but look at the surroundings and remembered my family's trip to Europe 2 years ago. We toured cities on foot or by train and I marveled at the different architecture and the scenes of life that were so different from where I came from. Fragments of a world that spoke to me of one resounding thing...life is everywhere. The Philippine city scape is crowded. Some worn out buildings and other emerging new ones clutter in one cacophonic array by the long expanse of Edsa. Sometimes I frown at the clutter. But today was different, today I saw only life. That it was everwhere. And in the diversity of it, I knew that there were hearts pulsating behind every corner of the clutter, each trying to seek and make a better world.

(picture above, taken in Florence 2005)

The Quieter Life

Fri, 11 May 2007 02:11:32 GMT

I seek for a quieter life. Where everything is consistent and unwavering. Where there are not storms that run past you and drive you down to your knees. No temporary high that dazzles you to an ecstacy that will soon let you fall and leave you for dead. I want the truth. Not the ring of roses or the melancholy drama of a heart that's torn. I want the origin of where things begin and end becuase too many things in this world just float by without my understanding them. Just leave without my knowing them. Just say goodbye without my letting them go. On the other hand some of them just come without my invitation. Intrude without my welcome. Impose without my willingness. And it puts me in a constant struggle to be released. I long to live a quieter life where I can hold someone's hand with more meaning than a handshake, take someone's smile with more meaning than a hello, touch someone's heart with more passion than a heartbeat, look at someone's eyes with more meaning than a glance. I long to live a quieter life. Where the dust settles after all the fury and the frenzy and you're left with nothing else really...but the real thing.

In Pursuit of Peace

Tue, 01 May 2007 11:34:30 GMT

Our DSL modem got busted and when they repaired it they didn't know how to put it back on the WiFi router. So I'm not in my usual element where I can introspect on things while looking out my window. Certain inconveniences like that force me to be a little bit "more" than I usually am. It's better than wallowing in irritation.

I was eagerly anticipating the weekend and of course this holiday. Last week, although it ended with the pleasantries of my first summer rain, was an extremely heavy mental workout for me. Too much corporate! Haha. But I survived. Balancing expectations from different sides of my life and still keeping my sanity.

I got a new phone. It's the Dopod 838 Pro. I'm not so particular about specifications but I like how it feels on my hand especially how it glides up and reveals the qwerty keyboard beneath. Sending text messages and receiving mobile emails suddenly make me feel like Jack Bauer. It makes me feel that all this mobile messaging is significant. I don't know why I don't feel it with my old phone. But, yes, now I feel it.

My dad and I had quite a good conversation over wine last Saturday night. It was one of those times when parent actually hits it off with child and sees them for the person they are becoming. Unlike before, where I completely felt any conversation with my parents was like an intrusion and a hindrance to my identity, now it feels like an empowering experience where I begin to be more in touch with my roots. Not to wish I had roots somewhere else but to appreciate that which makes me...me. I relished in my dad's stories of corporate wisdom which he gained from more than 30 years of corporate life.

I'm trying to live the Virtues. Have I gone moral on the world? Have I gone moral on myself? It's still a surprise to me as I recall the many dark nights I spent torturing my soul many years ago. It's funny but trying to live a life of faith has probably been one of the best decisions I've ever made. It feels like I went to a gym. Not so much the whole condescending nature of having rules put all around you like a picket fence. No. It's not that. It's...yeah...like I went to the gym.

I took the long route to Tagaytay to supposedly let my spirit take a break but I ended up in Starbucks, Sta. Rosa. Balancing ministry and corporate life is one of the biggest challenges I'm undertaking. It's NOT EASY. I don't know why Jenny (my cousin who is a nun) told me I can do both. I've never really been able to say, my plate is full, up until now. Where all aspects of myself is being worked out completely (I guess I'm going to the gym because I'm having a spiritual triathlon) So, why did I end up going the long route? There was this truck blocking the road going up to Tagaytay via Sta. Rosa. Sitting there for 30 minutes, I decided to take another route and ended up in Batino Batangas where I drove through narrow dirt roads in the outskirts of the provincial city. I've never ventured driving out into the outskirts before. But it reminded me again that there are other lives walking under the same sky and the view from their side of the fence can actually be just as good as the view from mine. Anyway, in short, I got lost. So I decided to go back.

People change, accept and grow. I've been witnessing a lot of growth around me lately. My family: Mom, Dad (well my sister's working on it. Hehe.) My friends from church (...that I have been in close touch with lately): Meggie, Gian, Jules, Bea, Sab, Jocel, Jarro. My friends who are not from church (...that I have been in close touch with lately...haha): Toni, Marco, Carlo, Javy, Tita Celine, Gerry (my boss. haha). It's an overwhelming surge of inspiration that makes me feel that the virtue of hope is now completely worth having. It's not as scary as it used to, to just "hang in there". It's now knowing that God is bigger than me and seeing Him change lives whether tangibly or intangibly moves me to be more willing to let the change happen for me as well.

Having a life and smelling the flowers. St. Therese, one of the strongest and influential saints in this century has moved a lot of lives with her "little way". But before that she grew up to be extremely temperamental and moody (sounds like somebody I know. :P) I've been reflecting on her life lately (no, I'm hoping God doesn't call me to become a nun because I want a family. then again, you never know. hehe.) because I am intrigued by how her "little way" moved so many without her lifting a finger and has filled her life with so much peace. I'm there right now, pursuing little ways in pursuit of peace.

Pre-Easter Knick-Knacks.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 09:56:03 GMT

Laughter filled my whole morning. What a beautiful prelude to Easter Sunday. Definitely grateful today for...

...Breakfast with Mom and Dad and sharing about our work experiences and parenting experiences. It was definitely cool to talk to my parents openly about these things considering our tremendous gap that filled my life for more than 2 decades

...Dad's "ESP" stories. There's nothing like seeing my Dad's facial expression and hearing his Visayan accent as he narrates the stories of his childhood. I was telling my dad about the weird dreams i've been getting and how some of them actually happen and he was telling me that his grandfather was like that. his grandfather dreamt about St. Vincent Ferrer calling out to him and one day while walking down the beach he saw a statue of St. Vincent Ferrer as if it was just washed up on the shore. That night when he took the statue, he dreamt again that St. Vincent Ferrer asked a chapel to be built. This chapel is behind my grandparents' little house in my Dad's hometown in Cebu.

...Watching Charmed with my family. This was one of the rare moments we sat in the TV room together but my Dad in his usual comical way said, "I know why you like watching that so much" And his eyes were like shining as if he just found out my secret. And I go, "Why ba?" And he says, "You want to have their powers noh???" and he laughs really loud as if he hit a major punchline.

...My Mom's Coke-Fast. My mom loves Coke. She drinks is like water but for Lent she decided to give this up as a sacrifice. This morning she was telling us, "Yes! Malapit na Easter. I bought one case of Coke for myself lang ha!"

...My Sister splurging on earrings. My sister has never been the Funky type. But she was rummaging through my dresser and asked if she can borrow these large silver hoop earrings. When we went out for lunch she wore them with her dark brown Lisa Loeb-like glasses and her hair in a messy bun. I told her, "Yan, you look like you have personality already! Bagay pala sa you eh." And she goes, "Talaga? Ate samahan mo ko ha! Bibili pa ako."

The True Level of Cause

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 05:19:55 GMT

Since the level of consciousness is the true level of cause, then you can sometimes do more to move a mountain from sitting in your armchair than from running around the mountain or even climbing it. What we move on the level of consciousness is moved within the Mind of God. - Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change

Loving the Mystery.

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 03:33:54 GMT

the more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey
the more rest we will know along the way.

sorrowful yet always rejoicing.
poor yet making many rich.
having nothing and yet
possessing everything.
2corinthians6:10...

how true is this
if we remain open to sorrow
we can know joy

somehow being empty allows us to make others rich.
and if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something
most surprising...that all is ours.

contentment is not freedom from desire,
but freedom of desire.
being content is not pretending
that everything is the way you wish it to be
it is not acting as though you have no wishes
rather, it is no longer ruled by your desires.

to be alive and thirsty
to be dead, or
to be addicted.
those are the only journeys.

we are called to live a life
of holy longing.

but we do not like to stay there.
we seek to possess...
so that we do not have
to live in thirst
trusting each day
to the goodness of God.

to live in thirst is live with an ache.

- john eldredge, journey of desire.

What I Am Looking For

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 03:04:44 GMT

i realized that what i'm looking for aside from an experience of sharing...is a way of life.

when i think about where i'm supposed to be, single life...married life...religious life...i'm looking at ways of living. so what now is the way of life that will allow me to be who i completely am and that will allow me to know my God completely?

the answer to that, is where i am supposed to be.

Dreams He Can Catch

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 10:58:52 GMT

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asked for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asked for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him." - Matthew 7:7-12

I am afraid to ask. Sometimes I want to but I might get disappointed. I have big dreams. But sometimes I think my dreams might not be too important compared to others that God might choose to answer them first before me. Sometimes I think I have to do something on my own first before I can ask. But sometimes when I do, I find myself a little bit farther from my dream than before if I decided to just ask.

When I think about being afraid, I realize that I do not believe that my Father in heaven can give me what I ask. I am worried that it might not be something like the saints ask or the holy men ask. What if I just ask that somebody can cheer me up today? Or maybe someone can help me with my work? Or maybe if I can get the pair of shoes that I've been looking at the mall window for 3 weeks now? I am also worried that other people have more to ask than me. What if they need it more?

Then I look at the big sky outside my window today and see how big it hugs the earth. It is so big! And I wonder about the God who made that sky and think, "Maybe He's Bigger. He has to be bigger."

So today maybe I'll try not to be afraid and go and look up at the sky and throw my dreams up in the air because I know the Big God can catch them. So today maybe I will stop worrying about what I don't have because I know the Big God can make them. So today maybe I will stop thinking whether what I want is as important as the others because I know the Big God is so big, that He his heart has room for us all.

Amen.

Rose Without Thorns

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:38:28 GMT

They were sharp and green and they stung when you held them. But these past few weeks have done me good. And I love how I can smell my own fragrance now and see that the scars have fallen away because my Creator has opened my eyes. Now I'm free to dance. Free to bloom. Free to be a rose. (Thanks Pow for the Beluga night pics. Hehe.)

It's The Heart That Matters.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 04:39:30 GMT

It's the heart that matters.

I've been loving the weather and how the air reminds me of Europe. Today, God gave me a big kiss on the cheek.

...waking up at 3:00am from a dream of an angel I know who keeps watch over me.
...morning messages that brightened my day.
...sitting with Carlo and Gians at mass yesterday.
...morning YMs.
...hearing the song "It's the Heart That Matters" by Charlotte Church.
...Toni's email.

I feel like the world blurs for a moment and there's nothing but the flapping of wings around me. In the middle of the office I am listening to Wicked's "For Good" and smile to myself.

Lives are changing. I am changing. And for the first time I feel...that change isn't all that bad. No matter what the facade is, what the externalities are...in the end...I'm glad that it's the heart that matters. It's the heart that stays. And little by little, I am no longer afraid to show my heart.

The Accuser

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 23:11:15 GMT

You are my biggest accuser. You are the only one who really has the right to. But with you, you carry all those who have passed by my life and only saw one thing. The scars. The heavy load upon my back. And see it for nothing more but something I have brought upon myself. You represent those I have tried to draw near to with a smile I've tried to muster upon my distorted face so I can try to feel the least bit beautiful...enough to be worthy of your presence. You represent those I have tried love eventhough I'm already having a hard time loving myself. You represent the boulder I try to push every day and every night so I can remain in the light. Because I want to be in the light. You represent the teacher who only saw mistakes instead of the long days of toil that I spent letting the words and lessons sink into my very being so I can try to at least get one answer right.

I have come a long way to come here. I have carried nothing but myself and my memories and even left my tears behind because I may be too heavy. I've tried to pack light. But you only saw the dirt on the soles of my shoes. And not the truth...that no matter how far I've come...I gone through every thorn, thistle and bush...just to get here.

Dear God, help me not be an accuser. Help me to see through every person and experience. Help me not look too far but help me not be an accuser to the one who needs me not to be...to the one nearest me today.

Amen.

Things I Want on A Seattle Morning

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 00:41:48 GMT

I'm making new friends...I think.
I want a McDonald's PollyPocket.
I want to watch Drew Barrymore's movie.
I'm craving for Gloria Maris prawn salad.
I want to buy kiamoy in SouthSuper Market or Aji Ichiban.
I want to take a really good picture of the skycraper view especially when the morning's foggy.
I want to finish Prison Break already.
I want to go to Sonia's Garden for breakfast and read a book.
I want to dance into the night without getting tired.
I want to lose weight by walking up the stairs to my room.
I want to write a new song.
I want to sing to somebody who can listen.

Princess Diary Page 2

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 05:29:53 GMT

I woke up late this morning. Still snuggling through the covers I saw that it was 6:30. I tried remembering what made me sleep so late. And I remembered these words, "Love never fails."

I had a caring circle with my SE class last night and for the first time I was amongst women. Just women. And I shared a portion of my life and a little bit of my tears and remembered saying, "I thank God that today he showed me and let me believe that love will never fail me this time."

Believing is something that I am not good at doing. But finally I can say, that now I know what it is all about. So I woke up and took a shower. Smiled at my groggy self in the mirror and said, "You're beautiful."

Events have woven themselves around me into a perfect comfortable quilt.

Marco's chat...G's suggested haircut...Sonny's chat...Canada boy's chat...and a lot of other chats from significant people that may not know how they are moving the pieces of my heart right now but...I smile.

I finger the odd looking pendant hanging around my neck. It was a rhinestone ring I lost a few days ago and our helper found it and told me a car ran over it flat. When I took it from her hand last night I saw that it resembles a star. How funny. If falling stars do fall from heaven. This would be my first. :-)

G told me today that, maybe it looked good on my finger but God thinks it looks better near my heart.

I'm ready. I'm ready for the ball.

Princess Diary Page 1

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 05:27:16 GMT

I woke up late this morning. Still snuggling through the covers I saw that it was 6:30. I tried remembering what made me sleep so late. And I remembered these words, "Love never fails."

Events have woven themselves around me into a perfect comfortable quilt.

G told me today that, maybe it looked good on my finger but God thinks it looks better near my heart.

I'm ready. I'm ready for the ball.

holding the last moments of 2006.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 15:23:44 GMT

there are so many memories to be grateful for but there are times when i remember certain memories that i become too melancholy or too stuck in what has been so today i told myself, i will live today. and hold that moments that are today's. and if i can only see everyday like today, then each memory i hold will be something that my heart need not ache for.

woke up this morning to see my sister sitting on her throne saying that she saw a woman with a hat on the tiles. i found it hilarious that at such an early hour she was awake enough to notice the lines that imagination creates on the walls when we're idly going about our morning routine.

taking care of Emmanuel the past few days made me feel the grace of motherhood for a moment. and I felt blessed by this little one. like an angel passing by, found my arms worthy to rest his little head upon.

conversations at lola inday's cozy living room always opens up breathing space for me. space where generations meet and thoughts weave memories together without restraint. my grandaunt has always been a kindred spirit. our heart has journeyed the same path of love where we have given more than we could and squeezed more than what was there. but through it all we believed in the miracle of a beating heart. where as long as it beats, there is hope to live and love again and again and again.

my mom never drinks. of course, she drinks red wine but she's not a drinker of anything with alcoholic content. but she had punch tonight at new year's eve dinner and i told her it had rum in it. she kept on eating and just nodded at me dismissively. a few minutes after her second glass she looked at me and smiled this weird grin and said, "i think i'm drunk." i laughed and gave her a glass of water. here she is a few minutes more. asleep.

i've never seen a kid struggle really hard just to get a sip of 7up. up until my niece cassee. she didn't want to eat dinner but her folks were telling her to eat before drinking 7up first. she was surrounded by everyone looking at her just to take her forkful of spaghetti and when she did, she got her sip of 7up. such a display of tenacity for such a young heart. can't help but smile at such strength.

at the end of the day, when all comes down to it, family binds all ties. and when you are close to the women in your family, you are bound by something that will nurture you for life. through tears and laughter. and even through a little bit of crazy. :-)

pickup truck conversations.

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 06:50:39 GMT

...so we look to you
no one else will do...

- look to you, hillsongs unitedi spent a few moments of friday night at the back of jules' pick up truck with carlo. it was an immortal moment. like many of the moments we've had before at the petron roofdeck we talked about life and music and how the melodies we play keep us flying. i missed him. a lot. i can't imagine it's been more than a year since i started jamming with him at the youth praise ministry. there's a different kind of electricity that happens when we jam together. it's like our souls know the melodies we play by heart and to me, it's always a blesse d moment.

running through lines of the new hillsongs united album and how each cadence built heavily into a refrain that gave us goosebumps. strumming fingers in the air as we play the song in our minds. songs are hearts new too well. i've never connected with any other musician as i connect with carlo. it's amazing. there's nothing like talking to someone who can clearly articulate and resonate the meaning of music with you. how each line tugs at your gut. how each solo riff lifts you high.

our short conversation at the back of the pick-up truck grounded me back to the meaning of of christmas. i don't know exactly what it was about music-talk but it was the feeling of coming home. i suppose i'll always come home to music and the reality of how music changed and keeps on changing my life. talking about music with carlo at the back of a pick up truck on the way to the gasoline station to buy plastic forks and spoons for the youth christmas party made me feel like coming home.

promise heaven holds.

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:57:56 GMT

I woke up a bit late this morning. I didn’t get up to my dog’s barking. Turned off the alarm and pulled the covers on top of my head. My body was aching from all the dancing and the acting we did in the office last night. Practicing for Fiddler on the Roof this past week is taking its toll. I wanted to stay underneath my sheets but the voice of our director was resounding itself in my head. “If you’re only doing this to get things over with then your journey is not worth it.”

I thought to myself, how many times do I do things just because I want to get it over with. I can’t count with my two hands. There are just so many things that my whole body seems to repel especially when it doesn’t suit its fancy. But I’m finding myself more elastic to the different moments of my day now. More fluid to the unexpected changes that take over my plans.

It wasn’t that long ago where I resisted so strongly and I realized it is when I resist the flow, the more the tension persists.

So as I tired as I am today, I am now sitting on my office desk looking at the vast city view draped over with a December morning fog. Waiting for the day to pass by no matter how idle and slow. Thanking God that I am alive and I am where I am at this given moment. No matter how sleepy. No matter how groggy. No matter how bored.

I’m simply waiting for the time when trust becomes truth. When my life will reflect the promise that heaven holds.

full circle.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 15:00:16 GMT

one week old in the single's apostolate.
coming full circle. finally.

what you are right now
is God's gift to you.
what you make of yourself tomorrow
is your gift to God.

- tita wena, singles christmas party 2006

(snatched photos from kat sarabia, gian deleon, ian santillan. thanks guys! hehe)

the promise in the desert.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 01:54:48 GMT

The Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob. They did not thirst when he led them through the desert. He made water flow from them from the rock. He split the rock and water gushed forth. - Isaiah 48:20-22

And I tried to put my name in there instead of Jacob. The Lord has redeemed Kathy. The Lord has redeemedE12. The Lord has redeemed the Youth. The Lord has redeemed...The Lord has redeemed...(I can't even count anymore)

And I smiled.

There is nothing like finding that God's words come alive first thing in the morning. And I realized that this verse was written in past tense. Meaning, this word has already happened. And if it has happened before, because God is God, it can happen again.

Then it made me think about my thirst and all those who are thirsty. And my hardened heart and all those whose hearts have been hardened. And say the words again...

They did not thirst when he led them through the desert.

God led them through the desert. They did not thirst because God led them through. I realized then that when I am in my own desert, I thirst because I do not let God lead me through. I take matters into my own hands. But what a delightful promise it is that when God is the one who leads us through the desert WE WILL NOT THIRST. And there's more! He did the impossible.

He made water flow from them from the rock. He split the rock and water gushed forth.

How many walls can God break and let something flow? How many times did he break me and let my tears flow? Sometimes, I realized, it's in the breaking that we find what quenches. It's in the breaking where we find what soothes.

And it is indeed, in the desert where we find God.

Thank you God for leading me. Amen.

beautiful.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 12:34:18 GMT

beautiful, beautiful,
Jesus makes beautiful
Jesus makes beautiful
things of my life.

the rains had hit the singles encounter weekend i submitted myself to go to after much indecision for the past 3 years. in God's "just-in-time" fashion, i have realized why this time was the perfect time for me to join. i realize that this is the time because this is when i needed the insights that the weekend had in store the most. i wouldn't have appreciated it 3 years ago. i wasn't that desperate for such insights then.

my desperation led me to finding the answers that my questions needed answered. and i realize that when you become desperate for God to the point that it brings you down to your knees again, the truth comes. i suppose it's because it is at this point wherein you are willing to let go and try anything so that something inside you will just click and say, "FINALLY".

i got a lot of "finally-s" from a lot of people this weekend. "finally you joined already!" or "finally you're here!" or "finally! it's about time, you were due here since SE6!" but the biggest finally i would say that lit that lightbulb in my head is...

"Finally Kathy, you're putting your heart in my hands. Finally you are willing to venture into the unknown and fearsome territories of your life. Finally you are Trusting ME."

this weekend was long over-due because i was afraid of everything i was going to experience, not with God really. but with the people around me. i was afraid of having to wonder about fitting in. clicking with people. embarassing myself by being too vulnerable.

it's different when you share you life infront on a podium or when you are called to lead worship. there you are chosen for a purpose. and that purpose is clear. but when you are a retreat candidate, your purpose isn't clear yet. and you find that purpose together with the others through the journey you will go through in the whole weekend.

this weekend, i discovered my purpose. and it's...

To Trust in God.
To Believe I am Loved.
To Have Faith in the Goodness of people.
To Choose the constant renewal of my mind.

thank you God. for this.

a nine year friendship rediscovered.

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 03:56:15 GMT

a nine year friendship rediscovered. snuggled cozily on the couch at delifrance. i met my 2 bestfriends from college yesterday for coffee. both of them hit the big three-O. i'm...well...i have another year to go. as i looked at them, i barely noticed any change. we laughed the same. our expressions are the same. we talked with the same passion. same exuberance for life. we may be a few pounds heavier. but the spirit that lay behind our eyes were the same.

i was glad i spent time with them yesterday. it made me feel that i had a home. it made me feel that i came from somewhere. i was among kindred spirits.